i want to go home.

i've lived in nyc for nearly 2.5 years at this point.
and i've made zero close friends.
there is no one i want to hang out with.
there is no one that i'd like to divulge my secrets to.
literally no one.
this makes my relationship stronger.
marc is truly my best friend.
i have two close girl friends.
and at the end of the day they're good people.
they make mistakes, they have problems, they have joy, and we share it.
they're healthy relationships and my friends are simply, good, normal, intelligent people.
and it's so hard to find that here.
granted, i was always the type of person to have 10 male friends for ever girl friend i had, and i can't do that anymore.
but dang. why can i not make a friend that is normal that is a girl?
is there something wrong with me that i'm not catching onto?
or is the place?

i heard the strangest word today three times.
i know how to say it but not spell it.
so i can't write it.
three seperate occasions too.
it's very seldom that i hear a word that i don't know that well.
i wonder if the world somehow tangos with itself and this all intertwines.
and that's how god teaches us.

wear sunscreen

I've been meaning to by sunscreen for a while now.
It's really unhealthy, you know. Not wearing sunscreen. I imagine the sun beaming off all of the buildings that I walk by on a daily basis contain more UV's than I'd like to think about, but this buying sunscreen thing has turned into a happy thing for me.
I forget whenever I go to the store, I make lists, but it's always the one thing that seems to evade me.
The only time I do remember is when I'm doing something that reminds me of that wear sunscreen graduation speech given by Mary Schmich.
I get in line for coffee in the morning and I ponder the delicious goodness of one of those cheese danishes... or maybe even the triple gazed chocolate donut and I remember... "You're never as fat as you think you are... wear sunscreen".
Then later in the day when my boss annoys me and I want a new job... "Don't feel guilty about not knowing what you want to do with your life... wear sunscreen."
And sometimes when I cross the street and I know I shouldn't... "Do something that scares you everyday.... and wear sunscreen."
I'm beginning to wonder if G-d actually wants me to wear it of if he just enjoys reminding me about buying it and the lessons that go along with.
Regardless, I'm sure I'll have to get some at some point, but I hope the reminders never stop coming.
Or... maybe I'll just settle on tanning oil.

happ(y)ness

i find that i lose myself when i don't write, and in this city it seems like losing is the easiest thing to do.

i see these people jovial & laughing and i wonder if it's real.

people can never be that happy.

truely, it's one of life's biggest scams.

so i'm writing.
and i'm rambling.
writing and rambling.

i saw a young boy today walking about 20 feet behind his mother.
carrying 2 boxes of cereal in each had.
lifting up and down.
"mom," he shouts, "i'm getting big muscles!"
"you're going to need it boy," she replies.

strength is the only happiness i know.

long awaited

I'm the type of person that will not take advice unless I'm in dire straights, and even then, I really prefer to research every option myself and pick the best one that works for me, which is funny, because really, trusting someone's life experiences is the best way to go.
I faced my problems today. Marc has been helping me face things day to day, and instead of sitting here and waiting to have anxiety attack I just picked up the phone and dealt with it, and now, with beer in hand life goes on.
I know it seems little, but yay. yay for me.

deepest darkest secret

It's ironic how we change, how a trait we were once heralded for suddenly becomes something we're not good at at all.
I find myself avoiding life. I used to be the person that people wanted to be like, happy, full of life, eager to start my day and experience the world, and over the past couple years I've lost that vigor.
I still love experiencing things, I just don't love experiencing anything that makes me remotely uncomfortable.
Part of me wonders if the wounds caused by the past will ever go away, while the other knows that I'm so close to getting better, and all I have to do is reach down inside and find extra strength to keep going.
I've been blessed by the many people in my life. It's clear that G-d wants me to succeed, I just have to start believing that I want myself to succeed. I can't keep letting life hold me back. I can't cheat myself of the experience. I will not squander any longer.

okay, so we're back. but this is all for now.